Let’s be real. I have avoided a LOT of things this year. Mostly my personal life. Hell, any life.
I’ve been an ostrich. A horse with blinders. Ignoring things left and right.
It is March and I have not even put one thing in my brand new ice blue bullet journal for 2019. Nothing. Absolutely nothing in it. Entirely blank.
I have peaced out on ever using my closet again. FACT.
Instead, I now have a rolly cart of leggings and other shirts that won’t fit in any of my dresser drawers. Plus, that huge chair in the corner literally ladened with work clothes. Mostly winter wear for now. (Seriously, Texas, take your medication! I can’t take going from 29 one day to 80 three later. Make up your mind, homegirl!)
Pretty sure my two piercings in my upper ear are entirely closed up. I haven’t put in earrings in two months, if not more. I’m not even sure when I last wore earrings. FACT.
Speaking of the sparkly, I also haven’t worn any jewelry at all besides the 5 rings that never leave my fingers. Who has the effort? FACT.
And since we’re on the topic of effort, I have worn make up TWO days to work in the past 3 months. The day I was filmed for Region XIII and TEA, and my birthday. FACT.
I haven’t read a book since last July. FACT.
I have anxiety just thinking about my Kindle and all the books I could be reading. So I put on blinders. Ohhhh, whaaaat Kindle? FACT.
I have put off paying bills until the last possible minute lately. And I’m an “all paid on the 1st” person. FACT.
I am avoiding my office and desk. Some bills that I have to call and dispute. AGAIN. (My finger is on you, American Home Patient.) All of my bullet journal supplies, which have been lifeless in months. FACT.
I go to the store and don’t really shop for meals or packing lunches. I have a whole lotta random in my fridge and pantry. FACT.
Some nights I don’t want to do anything but crawl in bed. And I do, when in reality I should eat dinner or take a shower. FACT.
Most mornings I get ready from start to finish in just a few minutes. All you need is clothes, right? Brush here and there, and run out. FACT.
What was not a fact to me growing up is how complex being an adult actually is. I knew members in my family had struggles, usually big things. But every day, mundane struggles? Like this? No one prepared me for this. FACT. Did my mom struggle like this in silence? Did my dad? My grandparents?
Are these things so overwhelming because of my anxiety? No, I don’t have chronic pain. Not that I’m aware of, at least. But The Spoon Theory is something I highly relate to with my anxiety and depression. It’s the idea that you have a set number of “spoons” – or units of energy – for the entire day. Usually it is 20-25 spoons. Different activities and interactions use up your spoons and they are weighted differently. Higher level interactions use more spoons. As a teacher, I feel like I use way more spoons for my “work” than the list below. Just getting to work uses over 1/4 of the allotted spoons for the day. Actually making breakfast? That’s a whole other story. Is this idea the reason behind my feeling of failing at adulting?