Things I Learned on My First Cruise
Just like anything new you try, going on a cruise for the first time can bring learning experiences. Most of you know I went on a cruise to Cozumel at the beginning of the month. While it was my first time out of the country and I had such high hopes and expectations and excitement, the learning curve brought me down off my high. So, here’s my hard row to hoe that I am imparting to you…
- Pack an extension cord. There are no outlets ANYWHERE. Except right there for the TV. So if you have special needs, like a CPAP or more than one electronic and you don’t bring an extension cord, you’re going to have to pull out that TV from its cubby and pull all the cords through the hole to find the small extension cord for three and plug your shit in and have it dangling all over the room dangerously waiting to trip some unsuspecting person just wanting to friggin’ walk to the bathroom. So, pack an extension cord.
- Rest up beforehand. Do not stay up the night before packing and panicking. Do not let your sleep schedule get jacked up prior to your trip. Get yourself on a 9-6 schedule so you won’t be tired all the time on your cruise. That’s the worst. Because when you go back to your stateroom to take a nap after dinner and you fully intend to go to the comedy club at 11:30 and set an alarm at 9:30 to be back up and fresh, you WILL NOT be crawling back out of that bed until after 8:00 am. Kiss the comedy club, the marriage game, and any other fun night thing goodbye. Save yourself the heartache and regret by being fully rested when you walk on that boat. Ship!
- Don’t buy the internet package, which most likely will be a myriad of social media apps. Don’t waste your money, whatever the cost. Just don’t. Save it and go buy yourself a couple drinks. Because that shit will not work. Just take your photos and videos and share them all after getting back home. Which is like, the entire opposite point of living in the moment and everyone not vacationing living vicariously through you. Whatever, technology, I never liked you anyway.
- Wear your swimsuit onto the boat. You can’t go to your room half the first day anyway, so get your ass up to those pool decks. Get yourself out in that sun or you’ll be white AF when you come back. How can you say you even went on a cruise? Do you even lift, bro? Like, how do I *know* you went to Cozumel? Pictures lie. That could be anywhere. Photoshop is incredible these days. You still as white as when you left. Don’t come back home white as Wite-Out. Get some sun. Just do it!
- Do not buy the pictures from the cruise’s photography set up. They are not going to go on sale on the final morning of the cruise. Thanks, Susan! That was $200! Total rip off. Discreetly take pictures of YOUR pictures. They have to have your consent to photograph you anyway. It is YOUR face and YOUR identity. And they don’t do anything to you anyway except say over and over “No pictures. Copyright.” And then your friend starts freaking on you because they’ve said it 3 times and makes you bail. Sheesh.
- Don’t spend a lot of money on the ship. Take your money ashore. Bring a shit ton of money, or on your card or whatever. You can buy fabulous jewelry CHEAP!! They will bring the price down again and again to just make a sale. I also learned you should haggle with any of the little shops selling trinkets and souvenirs. Susan paid $25 for the same bag my brother got for $15, which was originally $40.
I have obviously thought I was hilarious this month, just saying. Stay tuned for more funny eyeroll shit coming soon!